but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
