i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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