my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
