Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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