Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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