I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
