wanna go halves on a baby?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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