He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
