i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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