Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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