well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
