so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
