I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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