Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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