and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
