Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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