Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
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I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
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Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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