You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
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