Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
