how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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