a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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