I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
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stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
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I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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