There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
