mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
