Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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