Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
