When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
