A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
