good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
