Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
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Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
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Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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