Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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