tell your sister to shave her snatch
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
