Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
