Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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