im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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