so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
