I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
