I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
