I think I died a long time ago.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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