found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
