i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
