My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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