apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
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Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
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