I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
