help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
