I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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