Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
