pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
