I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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