If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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