just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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