My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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