Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
