its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I take back everything I said about communal showers
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
