I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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