Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
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Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
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Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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