I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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