Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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