where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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