I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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