Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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