It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
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