I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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